Forward

It's December 1st, a date that makes me happy.  I love the Christmas season (even the shopping, yes) and this year feels quite different from last year.  Last year I was dazed and numb and a little mad about it.  I felt angry sometimes that I could no longer enjoy all the things I usually liked, that I didn't even care about some of them at all.  The mall was full of corners where Ramsy and I had spent time over the previous year and it was so strange to be there without him.  Everything felt strange.  The trade-off, though, was that I was also full to the brim of deep thankfulness for the reality behind Christmas: that Jesus came to help us, that he will make everything right, that Ramsy is well and whole because of that, and that I have a place here for now.

This year some of the old excitement has returned to me, and I have energy to put into the traditions around here.  Here's what we're looking forward to:

• opening a little Advent gift today instead of chocolate Advent calendars this year. And opening the little windows on my paper Charlie Brown Advent calendar!  
• the kids' school Christmas concerts.  
• decorating the house.  Paper snowflakes and vintage ball ornaments suspended from thread in our living room; stockings hung by the window; real wreath on the front door and real tree in the house, covered with the eclectic mix of ornaments we've assembled over the last 20 years, including some from Ramsy's and my childhood.
• eating the fruitcake I baked with a friend a couple of weeks ago.  Yes, I actually like fruitcake.  A lot.  
• baking sugar cookies with my kids, cut out in fun shapes and decorated with icing and sprinkles.  
• seeing family and friends who live far away.
• hearing all 3 kids sing in our church Christmas Eve choir.  
• getting cards in the mail.  (I love mail!)  Maybe reading or hearing some new Ramsy stories.  
• watching A Charlie Brown Christmas, Elf, A Christmas Carol, Holiday Inn...
• filling up a mini-scrapbook that I made (thanks, aliedwards.com!) with pictures and memories of all this 

The other thing I am preparing for with great anticipation is the start of a half-time teaching position from January to June.  One of the teachers at our school will be on maternity leave, and I've been hired to teach Language Arts every morning (my favourite subject!  Woo hoo!) to the Grades 3-5.  Subbing has been a great way to ease back into work, and this feels like a very natural next step.

I've also been invited to speak at a couple of events in the new year, sharing our family's story and the way God has met us in the midst of all the chaos.  

I feel like I'm back.  For now, at least.  Even when I miss Ramsy so much, even when I feel the hole, I'm ready to celebrate.