Sadder

This evening at 6:30 my sweet Ramsy breathed his last breath and went to live with Jesus.  He died at home in his own bed, with me and the kids around him telling him that it was ok for him to go, and that he could just rest.  It was a sweet time, just right for us.  I am so glad that I could take care of him at home, and that he had so little pain.  He was my favourite person, and my heart is breaking but I am also at peace. 

We will post updates here over the next few days, letting you know about funeral plans and so on.

How is Ramsy?

Hi again everyone,

Time for a little update.  Ramsy has been home for a week and a half now, and we are so happy to have him here.  I love to see the kids poke their heads in the door and say good morning to him, or ruffle his hair, or joke with him.  The other night he was too tired to come to supper in the wheelchair, so we all ate in our bedroom while watching a Muppet Show episode, and our son perched beside his dad and periodically peered through the bed rails to check on him.  I feel much more relaxed having Ramsy here with me all day, and not having to choose between home/kids and hospital/husband.

We are adjusting to the flexi-schedule of the home care visits.  I think I have counted nine different ladies who come to our house as the week cycles through, and although we have been given a general time category for their visits (mid-morning, lunch-ish and supper-ish) the exact time varies within about an hour and a half from day to day.  I am very grateful for their help with the physical care, and also for the help of the person we have hired to come each evening to get Ramsy ready for bed.

Today we had a visit from the traveling palliative care nurse, who came to take blood samples for testing.  Ramsy has been having many petit-mal seizures over the last week (these simply cause his eyes to roll up or to jiggle back and forth rapidly), which is new.  He has lost quite a bit of weight over the last three weeks, and it may be that his anti-seizure med dose is too high, which can actually cause seizures and other problems.  In addition, he has just not been himself over the last couple of days.  He's been extremely sleepy, only awake for maybe an hour and a half total each day, and very lethargic when awake.  He still knows what's going on around him, though- that is very clear from his facial expressions, and tonight when I put my face close to his while saying good-night, he puckered his lips to kiss me.  It makes me happy and breaks my heart at the same time.

Anyway, when the nurse was here she figured that he may have a lung infection (I forgot to say that he also has a bit of a cough, fever, and trouble swallowing), and she asked the palliative care doctor to come see us tomorrow to check out what medication Ramsy may need.  I so hope that he will perk up after a few days of antibiotics or whatever is prescribed!  No comas yet, please.

So that's where we're at for the moment.  Visitors are still welcome for short periods of time (usually 10 minutes), although I need to be careful not to over-schedule him.  I just ask that you give us a call first, and also that if you feel any hint of cold or flu, you would save your visit for later. 

Back home!

We have just got Ramsy back home and settled in his own bed and he is already asleep!  When I got to the hospital this morning I asked if he had slept well and he shook his head pretty emphatically, so I am hoping he will nap well now.  Instead of hearing carts rattling past, paging calls, people talking and laughing in the halls, and the poor dear lady down the hall we dubbed "The Parrot" ("Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!" or "We're done! We're done! We're done! We're done!" many times a day or night), he will now only have to ignore doors slamming, kids arguing, iTunes blaring, phones ringing and piano practice in order to get a good sleep! Funny how we can easily ignore those "home" sounds.

I'm ravenous, so I'll sign off. 

Some progress

We are a couple of steps closer to getting Ramsy home soon.  The hospital bed and lift arrived today and have been given their rightful place in our room.  (Sounds so easy, but it actually took 3 friends working a couple of hours to get everything moved out and the carpet and underlay taken up, and the staples taken out of the remaining plywood, and everything vacuumed up before the delivery man came!  Thank you!!!)  I will be getting instruction in how to work the lift, and the home care will have to be finished getting arranged before we can get him here. 

I have been very pleased, not to mention relieved, to see how much more alert Ramsy has been over the last two days.  When I had him admitted a week ago, he was very lethargic and could not really respond to any of my questions- he would just look at me.  The last couple of days he has been able to nod or shake his head as soon as I ask him most things, and has verbalized a "no" several times, and generally seems more energetic.  I am not sure whether this is a result of being well hydrated, being off those darn chemo pills for a whole week, or a combination of a few things, but I am so very happy that he feels a little better!

I've also been wanting to say (but always forgetting as I've been posting) that it is really lovely to hear from friends from "the olden days".  We very much appreciate hearing from  you and knowing that you are with us in spirit.  I wish we could sit down for coffee and a catch-up, or even that I could email everyone back.  Too bad nobody has actually invented the StarTrek teleporter yet!

Sad

After a couple of conversations with Ramsy and the oncologist, we have agreed that the chemo seems not to be helpful, and we are stopping treatment.  Ramsy has been classified as palliative, as there is no different treatment to try at this point.  The MRI from last Friday shows that the tumor has crossed from the left side into the right side- the area controlling motor function.  This explains the quite sudden decline in strength in his "good" leg, so it is a relief to have that knowledge even though it is also horrible.

We are still working towards getting him home from the hospital as soon as possible.  Equipment has been ordered, and we are just waiting for it to arrive and be set up so I can receive instruction in how to use it.  Ramsy is reasonably comfortable in the hospital, and his nurses are so kind and sweet but I know he would much rather be at home.  I miss him terribly much!

I talked with my kids today, explaining that their dad is not going to get better.  They are really sad, but they also sensed this coming just from watching his gradual slide over the summer, so I think that helped prepare them a little bit for that conversation.

I have every certainty that God could still heal Ramsy, instantly or gradually, and to me that seems like just about the best idea ever; but I'm old enough to know that our most cherished dreams do not always become reality, so we are working on learning to let him go.  And I thought labour was the hardest work I would ever do....

Please keep praying for us.  We need you all.

Hospital visits

It looks like Ramsy will be in the hospital for about a week, as it will take a few days for the needed equipment and assistance to be put into place.  I spent some time there today, mostly with the staff who are organizing all of this, and will pop back in for a bit this evening.

A few notes for people who visit him in the hospital: he is usually not wearing his glasses, so it's probably a good idea to say your name as you greet him since he may not be able to see your face clearly!  He can't speak, but he may chuckle or raise his eyebrows or grin in response to your greeting and comments.  He can hear perfectly well and understands much of what is said to him, but sometimes (especially if he is tired or has just woken up) it takes him a moment to process what you said.  Sometimes he can respond to a yes-or-no question with a nod or headshake, but often he uses facial expressions to respond.  He appreciates short visits, maybe 10 minutes, as he is still weak and tired. If I am not there, please write in the spiral-bound notebook so I can see who visited and chat with him about that.

I feel that I always end my posts with various thanks to people, and that seems to my readerly mind to be uncreative, but that's how it goes.  So I say again, thanks for the love you send our way and the prayers you say on our behalf.  When I put the prayer shawl on Ramsy's chest when he is settling in to sleep, I tell him, "These are the prayers of the people."  And he smiles.

New adventure

A quick note this morning.  Over the last couple of weeks, Ramsy has gradually been losing strength and I have been having to do more and more lifting and "heaving" of the poor man.  (Those of you who have seen me know what huge pipes I have- ha!)  A few friends who saw this advised me that this was not a good situation, and that I needed to get him into the hospital for a rest for both of us until the proper equipment and nursing help can be set up at home.  So yesterday morning we did get an ambulance to take him to Portage hospital (we wouldn't have been able to get him into the van) and he has been admitted for a few days.  This is both stressful and relieving!  I was really happy to see that he seemed very much more comfortable in the hospital bed with his head elevated to sleep- no more snoring!  I am taking the kids to see him this morning.  Watch for further updates over the next while.  Thanks for the ongoing prayers; they are a huge help.