The miracles we got

A little while ago I was writing a letter to some friends who have walked alongside me through the past year and I began thinking about miracles.  We so badly wanted the miracle of Ramsy surviving this tumor that is really not survivable.  We asked for this one many times, and we know that many others asked on our behalf as well.  I still wish we could have been given this spectacular one.

And yet-
even though we didn't receive this most longed-for miracle, God was (and is) at work in us and around us in ways that cannot be ignored or denied.  So I would like to take some time to tell you about the miracles that we did get.

Our finances were in good shape when Ramsy was diagnosed, and because the church conference has such excellent benefits for its employees, there was not much adjusting that needed to be done in our day-to-day budget while he was on long-term disability.  But of course, critical illness adds many extra expenses that have the potential to become a huge burden for the affected family.  We were humbled over and over by gifts from people- friends, family, strangers- that allowed us to cover these expenses without having to go into debt.  This is one miracle.

Not only did we have almost all good weather during the 6 winter weeks we had to drive into Winnipeg for radiation treatments (about an hour's drive from our door to Cancer Care), but we had NO car accidents.  Not even a fender-bender.  Another miracle.

During Ramsy's entire illness, our family suffered from very few viruses or infections.  I think we each had a cold maybe once.  Since October, the kids and I have already had way more sickness than that!  Another miracle.

Our hearts remained soft and trusting towards God and each other.  Somehow we did not suffer with bitterness or resentment.  Somehow we were able to see God's heart towards us in spite of the circumstances, and to hear his reassuring voice over and over.  This I truly do not understand, and to me it is one of the biggest miracles.

Ramsy retained his comprehension of language and daily tasks until just a couple of months before he died.  Part of his tumor was located in the area controlling expressive language- being able to put thoughts into written or spoken words- and this was obviously significantly affected; however, the tumor was also directly adjacent to the area controlling the ability to understand language, and when he went in May to see the neurosurgeon who operated the previous November, the surgeon was very surprised to see that Ramsy's comprehension was still completely intact.  I wonder now whether this was perhaps a hidden miracle, the result of the many prayers we all prayed.  Maybe without those requests, his comprehension would have disappeared much earlier.  We can't know that for sure, but what I do know for sure is what a huge gift it was to have him understand me even when he could no longer say anything other than "yes" or "no".  Another miracle.

And the last one, maybe the biggest one of all: me walking around, breathing, living.  It's a crazy mystery to me that I can function at all with half of me missing, crazy that I can find joy and that I am visited by peace.  People have told me that I am a strong person, but I know that I am not this strong.  This comes from outside of me.  This comes from the one who is able to do things far beyond what we can ask or even dream up.

I feel that in talking about this I have to look at a difficult question: when we say that these good things come from God, what does that mean in the cases where the good things are missing?  What about families who experience crushing debt, or terrible bitterness or fear, or years and years of agonizing pain?  Does that mean that God is not with them, that he does not bless them or grant them miracles?  I don't mean to imply this at all, and I am well aware that this is a painful question for many, many of us.    The only answer I have is, "I don't think so." But I have no explanation for it.  I just don't.  It's so puzzling.  The question of why God refrains from intervening in ways that we would wish is a deep, ancient question which has never been answered to our satisfaction.  The only thing I know is not to take these good things for granted, because I have seen that they don't always happen.  I am deeply grateful for the good things, and humbled that we have received them.

And here's another wild thought: I look at this amazing list of miracles and think, "And these are only the ones that I know about."  I believe that God was (and is) also at work in ways that are invisible to me.  I will not know about those in this lifetime, but I think that when I get to see him, he will also allow me to see those many invisible graces. Sometimes I feel like he is pouring little pieces of coloured plastic and beads into my hands, showing me that he is making a fantastically gorgeous kaleidoscope- not showing me what he is making, only that he is making.  On the day that all those pieces are displayed in glorious, intricate colour and pattern,  I believe that I will be astonished at the beauty of what he has done.

This gives me hope.