Grab bag of thoughts

A bit of a mish-mash for today's post- some stuff I've been thinking about, been doing, been experiencing.

1) Foggy brain. I have heard other people talk about their grief-induced mental fog, and I have in no way been immune from it! I will be in the grocery store (one of my quirks is that I always make my grocery list in order of the way the items are laid out in the aisles and always follow the same route through the store so that I can get in and out quickly) and realize that I have been standing staring at the same shelf for a few minutes. I squint at whatever is in front of me and frown, and I actually have to go through this thought process: What is this? It's a red and white box. What is in the box? Scalloped potatoes. Is this something I buy? No. OK. What is this beside it in the blue and yellow box? I am no longer a fast grocery-shopper! Something I am learning the hard way: it is a very bad idea to stash something as I am heading out the door, thinking that I am putting it in a safe place. My kids say that they, too, have the foggy brain. They forget lunches, homework, chores, you name it. We're all in the same boat here! My mother-in-law assures me that in about a year, maybe, I "will stop putting shoes in the freezer and ice cream in the closet"!


2) Question for Aldersgate choir members from the 1990 tour: why is Chuck wearing a sling on his arm in the video of our Wenatchee, WA stop?  Yes, there is a prize for whoever can answer this question.  I have dug out of Ramsy's files a beautiful goldenrod-coloured poster of the choir splendidly arrayed in robes.  Fantastic.  As runner-up prizes I also have blank Celebration 1990 thank-you cards and assorted years of choir tour programs.  Limited quantities only- so sad.  
3) Our minds work in mysterious ways.  It often seems to me so absurd that Ramsy is not ever coming back to pick up his guitar in the living room, or sit beside me in church, or watch a movie with me, or tell a corny joke. It doesn't seem sad, at certain times, just ridiculous or plain not possible.  And yet I do not ever actually think that he is not dead.  Our minds are so weird.  Another thing: when I think of him during the day, my thoughts are almost all of him when he was well, but when I dream about him, which is pretty well every night, he is always sick.  Strangely, this is not distressing to my dream self.  Also, when I wake up after dreaming about him, I don't feel sad; I feel glad to have seen him.  This is not how I expected to feel.  In fact, almost nothing about this experience goes as I imagined it would.  Things that I figure in advance will be hard often turn out to be quite easily manageable, but then I am blindsided by some small thing, like the smell of coffee in the church coffee room last Sunday morning.  All of a sudden my hands were shaking and I couldn't see through the tears or decide what I wanted to drink- totally unexpected.


4) Rituals, or perhaps I should say symbolic gestures, help.  Sometimes I do drink coffee, which I don't actually like, just because I want to remember Ramsy and do something that he loved.  Stuff like that.


5) Every day is different.  There seems to be no pattern to how I feel from day to day.  I might have a really hard day on Tuesday, and then wake up Wednesday feeling happy and energetic.  And then Wednesday afternoon the dreaded fog may set in.  I never know what to expect.  But because I am not pressured in terms of time- I have no deadline for needing to go back to work- it's ok.  I can get stuff done on the easier days, and just be sad and write and talk with friends and listen to music or whatever on the harder days.  I am so thankful for that!


6) I need to talk about him constantly.  I do a lot of this by writing, but I am a person who learns and processes by telling stories and sharing experiences, and much of this needs to be done in conversation with others. So please, if you are talking with me, do not be afraid to mention him or ask about him!  Also, please be patient with me as I run off at the mouth- I don't mean to take over the conversation, it's just that I miss him so much.  I have so appreciated hearing from old friends (and newer ones, too).  Thank you!


7) Last thought- this post is getting long!  I heard a lovely story the other day about Ramsy being absolutely absorbed in worship, wiping his tears on his sweater and not caring at all.  I love this story, partly because it is so typical of him and seems very familiar to me, but also because it reminds me of how passionately Ramsy loved God and would talk, over the years, about how much he wished for Heaven where everything is made right.  I always thought I would feel angry if Ramsy got to go there first and I had to stay here, but in keeping with the "expect the unexpected" theme, instead I feel a profound joy that he is doing the very thing he always longed to do.  Another mystery.