Wish everyone could know

Been thinking of things that I wish everyone could know.  Some of this stuff will sound familiar, because they are thoughts that I touched on in other posts, and thoughts I have shared with a few people as I process everything in my mind.  Some of it might be new to you.  I wish the words existed that would accurately express the depth of my feeling, but I'll just do the best I can with the tools I have.

What I wish everyone in the world could know:

-how much delight Ramsy and I took in each other.  It is a great mystery and joy to me that we found each other.  I have been telling this story over and over to different people (anybody who'll listen, pretty much!) and to myself, because it seems so magical to me.  It truly feels like a fairy tale, but better because it was real.  We belonged together like puzzle pieces, but we had to do the hard work of allowing the ragged edges to be sanded off as we got to know each other more and more.  That kind of thing is always painful and sometimes scary; nevertheless, the end result is always something better, something good accomplished, and we knew that the deep relationship we shared was a product of the hard work we had put into it.  I love that even 19 years into marriage, we were crazy about each other and each of us was convinced that we were "the lucky one".  I love that we had grown to know each other so well that once he had trouble talking, I could finish sentences for him when necessary, or even guess what sentence he wanted to start! (And we could laugh really hard at the times when I was waaaay off what he was thinking!)

-what an enormous privilege it was to be allowed to take care of him through the last year.  At times it was physically and emotionally daunting.  At times it was profoundly painful: kneeling at my husband's feet to put on his socks for him, lifting each foot and threading it through a pantleg, was indescribably poignant and so hauntingly reminiscent of dressing our babies- the ones you are supposed to have to help with this- that it frequently brought tears.  In the summer, when he had begun to be confused about doing daily tasks, and I would find him standing in the bathroom staring at the sink faucet and his toothbrush, I was so grateful to be able to be near him to set him at ease, to gently give him a hint about what came next, or, eventually, to take the burden of the task off of him.  Often these moments felt deeply holy to me.  Many times as I cared for him, I prayed that somehow the honour and gratitude and deep love that I felt would be made visible to him through these small sacrifices.

-the immense pride I have in Ramsy.  He was such a remarkable person: funny, kind, adventurous, brave, goofy, talented, thoughtful, all those great things.  And alongside that,  I want to acknowledge that life is messy.  People are messy.  We are a mass of contradictory feelings and habits and we are often very poor at saying what we mean.  We rub each other the wrong way.  We take offense where none is meant.  We hurt people unintentionally, or sometimes with intent.  We are unfinished products, hopefully growing and learning from our experiences and mistakes and decisions.  Ramsy was the same as the rest of us- messy.  But having lived with him for nearly 20 years, having seen him both as a private and a public individual, I can tell you that he was a man of integrity.  He knew he was a work-in-progress, and he was always deeply sorry when that caused hurt to another person.  He went out of his way to apologize and ask forgiveness when he was aware of this.  He always, always strove to grow and change and learn, asking God what needed to be different in his heart and life, putting energy into making those changes happen.  He did this at work and with his friends and in his home.  I love knowing that now he is able to be at rest in his spirit, that Jesus is telling Ramsy how proud he is of him.

-how cemented many beliefs have become for me through this experience.  As a person who was taught about God from pretty much the first Sunday that I was alive, I had to take many of those teachings on plain trust since I did not have the experience to back up the beliefs.  Through this season of experience I have come to understand in a new way and to a new depth that God truly gives us gifts simply because of who he is, not because of what we do or refrain from doing; that he intends good for us and will accomplish it despite any appearances to the contrary; that he loves me and hears me and speaks to me.  These things and more have become absolutely certain to me over the last year; I know them in the same way that I know there is oxygen in the air around me, or that gravity holds us to the earth.  How strange that I could learn these things as the earth was shaking under my feet and the mountains were falling into the sea....