Drifting off to sleep last night, after an enjoyable evening with a friend and a good talk on the phone with my sister, feeling calm. Then I am startled awake by the remembrance that Ramsy used to be there beside me. I can remember the exact feel of the sole of his foot as I massaged peppermint lotion into it, the thick, angled scar on the bottom where he once sliced his foot on a piece of glass. The feel of his calf in the palm of my hand as we sat at opposite ends of the couch, watching Law and Order. The smell of his neck. I can see the particular way he would run his index finger over his thumbnail, checking for rough edges. I can hear him stumping up the back steps, briefcase in one hand, coffee mug in the other, coming exuberantly into the kitchen and saying as if happily surprised, "Hey! There's my lovey!" Hear him calling from the shower in the morning because he forgot- again- to check for a towel before he got in. See the tilt of his head as he thanks me.
He's right there; where has he gone?
Hey Shannon - I keep re-checking this message to see if some other brave soul has commented or not...
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad for you that you have the calm moments, enjoyable evenings, and good talks.
I had not left a message previously, because what you describe, your memories of moments with Ramsy, intimate times you shared... I am so sorry, honey, that there is even this reason for me to be be hearing them. If Ramsy were here, I wouldn't have heard that he said "Hey! There's my lovey!" or that he even had a scar on his foot. I felt like I was intruding somehow. But yet, you saw fit to share this with us. You let us in on something that was once only yours...
I once heard a clinical psychologist, who I worked with as part of a school crisis team, explain grief like a bar graph. The initial pain of loss is thick, dark, intense and long lasting, and then, one day, you notice that you can smile again. Then the grief again, the same intensity, but maybe this time not quite as dark or as long. There is a little more time between this one and the next intense episode. She went on to explain that there may always be the intense pain of the loss, but eventually it will not last very long and the periods of intense grieving get further and further apart.
It is a model that struck me with its simplicity and clarity - perhaps it will speak to you or someone else as it did to me.
I hope you are having a good week, my dear. Glad I got to see you on Valentine's Day.
Thinking of you,
Yolanda