What I'm doing these days: being alone. Looking through memorabilia, reading old letters and journals, looking at pictures, watching videos of Ramsy's conducting days. Listening to songs that make me cry- on purpose.
Memories of him as he was before he got sick, and especially as he was when we met and were dating, have surfaced from the deep place they hid in order to allow me to make it through the last year moment by moment. I have loved re-discovering those early days of our relationship. When I read my journal entries describing our first day spent together, or a particular phone call or conversation, I can remember exactly how I felt then. I am delighted to discover that Ramsy was even kinder to me than I knew at the time, as a 19 year-old getting to know her first boyfriend. He was truly the other half of me. He saw the best things in me and devoted himself to loving me and helping those things come to life. I am astonished that he would choose me. I am profoundly grateful to God for the mercy he showed in giving me this man.
And now that I can remember, the deep sorrow wells up. I have lost him, and it is time to weep. So I will.
Dear Shanny,
ReplyDeleteYou are loved and cherished by me. Thanks for continuing to share with us in this way.
Weeping is a good and necessary thing. Listening to music that makes you cry, will help wash and sooth your pain. "Tears Are A Language God Understands". I recall Aunt Emma staying with us after she lost her friend /husband and sitting on the couch with her listening to records and weeping. Some might think one shouldn't do things that prompt tears, but I think they're wrong. I read somewhere that about the only thing one can do with unavoidable pain, is to feel it and bear it. I have just finished rereading two books I have, by authors describing their grief when they lost their spouses. One is "A Grief Observed" by C.S.Lewis, and the other is "A Severe Mercy" by Seldon Vanauken (a close friend of Lewis's). Should you ever feel inclined to read them, I'd gladly mail them to you. They might help?
I am not at all astonished that Ramsy would have chosen you. How fortunate you are to have such good memories of his kindnesses!
I have wondered how the children are coping with their pain. Give them a hug for me.
You all remain in my thots and prayers.
Love, Eileen
And Jesus weeps with you!
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